


The Curse of Our Generation

by gaifieri



Category: Drunks and Dragons (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, is a "teen" rating appropriate for all of those things? i sure hope so, more tags to come, taking a lot of liberties with the phrase "canon compliant", violence cursing and drugs will all make an appearance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-03-29 14:00:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19021381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaifieri/pseuds/gaifieri
Summary: The Tower of Grey takes on its first job.Takes place sometime in the timeskip after episode 250.





	1. Maybe Meeting Your Hero Isn't so Bad After All

**Author's Note:**

> a couple of disclaimers:
> 
> 1) this story may be very long. it will cover things alluded to in the podcast but never outright discussed, and may not align with what the players & dimauro had intended. ultimately, all of these characters and this world in general belong to them and i am just writing a fun fic for me.
> 
> 2) i never played dungeons and dragons once in my life cuz i ain't no stinkin' nerd. i don't know the rules. if i mess something up, sorry! but this is my story now, sucker. ain't no d&d rules here.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toby saves his hero.

The halls Toby walked down were exactly what an adventurer would expect to find at the bottom of a castle; there was little lighting and plenty of moss, an earthy and possibly moldy smell coming from somewhere (or maybe everywhere), and cries of prisoners could be heard echoing off the walls.

Those prisoners would be saved soon, but there was someone else he had to free first.

Toby reached an intersection and stopped, pulling a small compact out of his pocket. It was an enchanted compact, of course, but for now all he needed was a mundane mirror. He held the item in his palm and angled it to reflect what was around the corner. The mirror showed a long hallway lined with empty cells. At the end of the hallway was one larger, dimly lit cell. Outside of it stood a group of guards: three hobgoblins equipped with clubs and a goliath equipped with two very large and sturdy-looking fists.

He slid the compact back into his pocket. With a deep breath, he closed his eyes and concentrated some of his remaining energy on releasing a spell.

There was half a minute of silence before the guards reacted. It must be the poor lighting, he thought, obscuring their vision enough that they couldn’t see the pale yellow-green cloud form around them.

“Oh, for the love of Nomog-Geaya,” one of the guards shouted in the common tongue. Toby pulled his compact out and saw two hobgoblins reel forward, retching as they tumbled to the ground. One hobgoblin was still standing, though they looked worse for wear. The goliath looked unaffected. The standing hobgoblin shouted again, “did one of you bastards let that out?”

One of the hobgoblins on the ground replied, through tears and coughs, “you think that came outta one of our asses?!”

Toby shoved the compact back into his pocket, rushing to stifle a giggle with his hand. They thought his stink cloud of _magic_ was a stink cloud of _flatulence_! He wrapped one arm around his waist, clutching his side as his body shook from laughter. If he couldn’t control himself, he might give away his position -- give away his advantage, and this mission could quickly turn into a disaster.

From down the hall, he heard one of the guards clear their throat.

“Hey, uh, y’all,” the guard said. Their voice was much deeper than the other three, leading Toby to believe it was the goliath speaking. The guard continued, “I think, uh...that was me. My bad.”

A trio of groans came after, followed by more retching noises.

Toby was clinging to his body as hard as he could but he didn’t think he could contain it much longer. He threw his head back in merriment and it knocked against the wall. A brief pain flashed through his skull, but that didn’t garner any attention from him; what Toby was more focused on was the hat that had just been knocked from his head and was now floating through the air.

The hat danced back and forth as Toby watched it. His laughter had stopped, he couldn’t even breathe as he watched his hat fly down the hall and towards the guards.

He was completely still, waiting to hear one of the guards reacting to a hat that had just flown through the air. Several moments passed, and still Toby heard nothing but retching noises and mumbled apologies. After another thirty seconds of no reactions, he let out his breath. The lighting down here _was_ exceptionally poor, maybe they really hadn’t seen his hat.

Now would be a great time to cast another spell. He closed his eyes and concentrated, measuring what energy he had left. Probably enough for at least one big spell...

“Hey, what’s that?”

Toby’s eyes shot open. He heard shuffling of feet as the guards collected themselves.

“That, down there?” It was the standing guard speaking. “Is that a hat at the end of the hall?”

Toby slapped his palm to his forehead. _Curses, I forgot hobgoblins have excellent vision in the dark!_

“I don’t see nothin’,” said the goliath.

“Well you’re useless, aren’t you, Thotham?” One of the guards said. It sounded like the standing guard again. “What kind of self-respecting guard doesn’t have darkvision, c’mon…” More feet shuffled and Toby heard another sigh and a mumbled apology. Toby felt a little bad for Thotham. It seemed like this hobgoblin was the one in charge, and they didn’t sound like a very kind leader.

Some mumbling came from down the hall, then the sound of footsteps echoed off the walls as someone came towards him. Toby pulled out his compact one last time to check; the two injured hobgoblins were wobbling up the hall in his direction. He gulped, placed his compact back into the inner pocket of his robe, and dropped his hand to his hip. In his grip, he felt the handle of a short sword. He wasn’t a master swordsman yet, but thanks to Jaela’s lessons, he had successfully defended himself a number of times so far.

If it came down to it, he would surely be able to fend off a couple of hobgoblins. Right?

The footsteps grew closer, and closer, and closer...when they stopped, they were close enough that Toby could hear the ragged breathing of the hobgoblins who were only a few feet from him. From the sound of their breathing, Toby could tell the stink cloud had caused a severe amount of damage to them; it wouldn’t take much more to knock them out. Inch by inch, he tugged on the handle of his sword, beginning to unsheath the blade.

“That’s one hell of a hat,” said one of the hobgoblins near to him. “Look at the detail on this.”

Toby’s back straightened, a small smug smile spread across his face. It _was_ a fanciful hat.

It was adorned with trophies and treasures he had earned on his adventures, decorated with scenes drawn in thread depicting his greatest and most perilous adventures. All of the decorations should have weighed the hat down, but it was an enchanted hat, obviously, as all of his wizardly items were. The hat had been enchanted by a warlock from the Swamps of Ichtaka to be as sturdy as the fists of Thotham the goliath looked.

The warlock had no idea his enchanted hat was missing, though.

Before Toby could spare another thought for the hatless warlock of Ichtaka, the hobgoblins were making a commotion again.

“Here it is, boss!” They were close enough now that he could see their backs, presented to him as they waved the hat back and forth. “Did you want it? Ya gonna wear it?”

The lead hobgoblin began to shout “no, idiot!” but as the words left his mouth, Toby jumped out from his hiding spot and brought his sword down, straight onto the closest hobgoblin’s head.

The hobgoblin gasped, then fell silent as its head split apart.

Toby stood still, partially from shock at the power of his swing and partially to remain concealed for as long as possible. The hobgoblin who was still intact turned towards what was left of his companion. This hobgoblin was still clutching Toby’s hat.

“What the -- ” the hobgoblin stopped “La...Larry?” The guard stared for a moment at the remnants of their fellow hobgoblin, then their eyes moved onto Toby. “Who the hell are you?!”

Toby cleared his throat. “I am Toby Treacletart and that is my hat!”

“That’s my best friend you just chopped in half!”

“Well...next time choose friends whose heads aren’t so easily chopped in half!”

The hobgoblin raised their club and aimed for Toby’s head. His sword was stuck deep into the dead hobgoblin’s neck, no matter how hard Toby pulled. Considering the club rushing toward him, he gave up on the sword and ducked down, rolling out of the way just before the club reached its mark.

Toby rolled a short distance before unfurling himself on all fours. Though he was still in danger, the guard had stopped to catch the body of his best friend as it tried to crumple to the ground. The guard was trying to lay their deceased companion down gently on the floor. It was a tender moment, one that Toby took full advantage of.

Staying low to the ground, he closed his eyes, gathered his energy, and shot his hands out in a circle pointed in the direction of the guards. A ball of fire formed in the small circle his hands made. As soon as the guard had brought his attention back to Toby, the fireball had grown to fill the circle. Before the hobgoblin could move toward him, the young wizard had shot the ball from his fingertips.

The force of the fireball being expelled from his palms threw him back and Toby was left wobbling on his heels. He slapped his hands to the ground, shook his head, and regained his senses. The smell of roasted hobgoblin helped bring him back to reality.

Looking up, he saw a deceased hobgoblin with a club in one hand, his hat in the other, and going straight through the center of them, a fresh hole the size and shape of the circle Toby’s hands had formed. The club dropped to the ground first, then the body; the hat floated slowly through the air before it landed in front of Toby.

Toby grabbed his hat, slapped it a few times to get the dust off, and dropped it back into place on the top of his head. There were two more guards he needed to take care of, but he knew he didn’t have enough energy for another big spell. He needed to get his sword back before --

“Those were my two best soldiers!”

Standing behind the body of the freshly fallen hobgoblin was the leader of this squad. He held a club in one hand and Toby’s sword in the other.

_So much for getting my sword back._

Toby stood, slowly. His eyes darted around the room and took stock of his surroundings, scraping the area for anything he could use to his advantage.

The clubs of the fallen guards had rolled away from their bodies, but they were no nearer to Toby than they were to the remaining hobgoblin. Judging by the state of the area, his fireball must have ricocheted off the walls as it flew down the hallway; small fires had sprouted along the floor, licking the walls where the moss grew thick. If he could throw the hobgoblin through some of that fire, it would cause a good bit of damage and give him time to grab a club…

The guard took a step towards Toby. He had no more time to formulate a plan, so he did the first thing that came to mind.

Toby pointed to a space just past the lead guard’s shoulder and shouted, “Thotham, now!”

“What?! You traitorous gas bag!” The guard spun around and raised their club high into the air. Behind the guard was nothing, just an empty stretch of hallway. They stood in position, confused and squinting down the hall, waiting for Thotham to lunge.

“Hey!” A voice called out from behind them. The hobgoblin turned back around and for a brief moment and saw Toby Treacletart giggling heartily before his chin was met by a club, hitting him hard enough to force him several steps backwards.

“I got you so good!” Toby slapped his knee joyfully, pointed at the hobgoblin and continued to laugh. “Thotham isn’t working for me, even though I’d be one heck of a better employer than you!”

The guard had found his balance by now and was standing upright. He lunged forward, growling, “you don’t understand the pressures of being the boss!”

The blade of Toby’s sword sliced through the air. Toby had regained his composure enough to duck out of the way, but he wasn’t completely in the clear.

He heard the sword slice through fabric, felt the lightest of tugs against his scalp, then a good three inches of sapphire blue fabric fell from the air and into his palms. The fabric was decorated with gold-colored thread, sewn into a scene from one of his very first adventures -- this one was only half a scene now. Half of a golden minotaur glared up at him from the fabric.

Toby looked back up at the hobgoblin. “You cut my hat in half,” he said, his lip quivering, eyes large and watery.

The hobgoblin, who had just raised both weapons, began to lower them. “Well -- you cut my soldiers in half.”

“I only cut _one_ of their _heads_ in half!”

“And you blew the stomach outta the other one!”

“I bet you ruined this hat because you’re jealous of it! I heard the way you and your comrades were talking about it -- “

“Shut up about your pretentious hat already, you miniature shit!”

“Hmph!” Toby stomped his feet and tugged on the brim of what was left of his hat. It had been an extravagant hat, yes, but he was a fancy boy! He deserved to be extravagant sometimes. Maybe extravagance was something this guard didn’t understand.

“I knew it, you’re just jealous!”

“That’s it, you turd --”

Toby snapped his fingers before the hobgoblin could finish their sentence; his hat disappeared from his head and reappeared on the guard’s. The guard looked up, stared at the brim of the hat on their head, then turned their gaze back to Toby.

“Every fuckin’ time I fight a gnome, they can’t just fight like a normal person, they have to pull their little baby pranks. Don’t your species ever grow up?”

“Teehee, I am a grown up!” Toby said. He gave the hobgoblin two thumbs up and winked. “The hat looks great on you.”

“That’s it,” the hobgoblin snarled, throwing their weapons down. “I’m gonna squeeze the life out of you with my bare hands.”

“Not so fast!” Toby threw his hands out in front of him. “Wait just a moment, please.”

The guard dropped his arms to his side and sighed. “What now?!”

Toby put his hand under his chin, rubbing the patch of hair beneath his lip in thought. “Hmm, it just needs a little adjustment…”

Before the guard could react, Toby leaped into the air and grabbed onto the brim of his hat, pulling down as hard as he could. The fabric slid down, expanding around the guard’s body and conforming to his shape.

“For the love of Nomog-Geaya -- you little -- gaah!”

Once the hat had encased the hobgoblin’s arms and torso, Toby stopped pulling and jumped away. He eyed the guard up and down, admiring his work. The hobgoblin threw their body from side to side, back and forth, trying to break free.

“It’s an enchanted hat, you dummy!” Toby cried out through giggles.

The guard jumped back and forth, writhing about as he struggled to break through the magical restraints. They wriggled towards Toby as the young wizard walked by. As the guard did their best impression of a vertical worm, Toby flicked his wrist and summoned his mage hand.

The spectral hand went to work, groping at the hobgoblin until it found a set of keys attached to their waist. It found the keys quickly and ripped them off the hobgoblin’s body. The hand reached out again as the hobgoblin tried to hop away. As they hopped, the mage hand disappeared and reappeared suddenly, right behind them. The guard didn’t realize this until it was too late.

The mage hand grabbed onto their ankle as they hopped backwards and it was enough to throw them off balance completely. The last hobgoblin guard tripped, tumbled, twisted through the air, and fell butt-first into a small fire.

The screams of the guard echoed down the hallway. Toby giggled to himself and broke out into a skip as his mage hand raced forward to catch up with him. They strolled down the hall together, making their way towards the large cell at the end. Toby was still giggling to himself as he imagined what it would be like to finally free this prisoner, to finally meet the man he’d always admired…

In front of the large cell was the final guard. The goliath had their arms crossed in front of their chest when Toby reached them; their eyes moved up and down, examining the young wizard. If they wanted to know about him, he was willing to make it easy.

“Hi!” Toby said, waving his hand back and forth. “I’m Toby. Toby Treacletart. You’re Thotham, correct?”

The goliath, Thotham, nodded.

“Well, Thotham, you’ve been very naughty!” Toby wagged a finger disapprovingly at the guard. “You’re a bad, bad goliath! You shouldn’t lock people up!”

The goliath fidgeted in place uncomfortably. “It’s not like I put him in there myself.”

“You might as well have!” Toby huffed.  He dropped his judgmental finger and placed his hands on his hips. “You have two options, okay? You can go finish that hobgoblin off, _then_ help me free the rest of the people here, or --”

“Finish them off?” The guard wrung their hands together nervously. “Finish _them_ off?”

“Don’t worry about it! They’re trapped in a hat, that dummy. Just shove their face in a fire or something, ‘kay?”

“I don’t know, I don’t -- I don’t think I can do that, they’re my boss, and I would definitely get in trouble with corporate if I _killed_ them --”

Toby clapped his hands together and the mage hand sprung up, slapped the goliath across the face, then dropped back to Toby’s side.

“Snap out of it!” Toby shouted. “ _I’m_ your boss now, and I promise I am a much kinder and more empathetic boss than that jerk ever was; but if you don’t do what I say I will send you to the fucking astral plane! I will trap you there for eternity! Do you want to spend the rest of forever floating through space being tormented by giant creepy heads, or do you want to help me go on adventures?!”

The goliath’s eyes were wide as Toby shouted. When he’d finished, the goliath wrung their hands together some more, whimpered, “the second one,” and shuffled off down the hall.

Once they were out of ear shot, he let out a huge breath. “Whew! There’s no way I could have sent them to the astral plane right now. I’ve already been awake for like six hours today, I’m wiped out. I barely have the energy to summon you, right, magey?” He looked down at the mage hand, who gave him a thumbs up. Toby gave two thumbs back, then waved his hand toward the cell door, gesturing to get on with it.

The mage hand glided to the door and held a key out. The hand fumbled to shove it in the keyhole, gave up, and picked another key. As the apparition searched for the right key, Toby pulled out his compact.

There was dirt smeared across his face, hardened mud in his hair, and a fresh cut under one eye; he looked like a mess. He could prestidigitize most of it away, or…

Toby squeezed the compact twice and all of the dirt, mud, and blood disappeared from his reflection. The fresh cut healed into a barely visible scar. He snapped the compact shut and tucked it away into his robes. The door swung open beside him and the mage hand disappeared. Toby took a deep breath, fluffed up his hair, and walked into the cell.

“Hello?” He called out. The cell was poorly lit, but he didn’t need light to see. He glanced quickly around the room until he found a figure tucked away into the corner. The figure was sitting in what looked to be a meditative stance, but began to stand once Toby entered the room.

“Oh, no, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to interrupt you, I just --” Toby reached for his hat to take it off in respect, remembered it was gone, “I came here to -- uh, not that,” he patted at his robes, looking for something to prove who he was, what he was doing here, ”you -- I just --”

The figure in front of him raised a hand and silenced Toby. “It’s alright, I know.”

Toby’s hands froze, one running through his hair, the other tugging on the collar of his robe.

“You...know?”

“Of course.”

Toby stood frozen in place as the figure walked towards him. He was mesmerized by the person in front of him. Every story he had ever read, every portrait he had ever seen, none of it compared to the real thing. The luster of his pearl-colored hair, the sheen of his polished slate skin. Doug the Dark Elf was more beautiful, more handsome, more breathtaking and splendid than any story or picture could ever depict.

The legendary hero stopped a few feet in front of Toby and smiled. “I’ve been watching you,” he said. “That’s what I was doing while I meditated. You’ve been very brave to make it all this way.”

Toby’s jaw dropped. His hands slapped against his chest. “You watched... _me_?!”

 _Doug the Dark Elf just called ME brave!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_ \--

His thoughts were interrupted by Doug kneeling down to Toby’s height and sliding his hands over the wizard’s. Doug the Dark Elf was at face-level with him, looking straight into his eyes.

Toby whimpered from excitement.

“Thank you, Toby,” Doug said, squeezing his hands. “Thank you for coming to rescue me.”

Before Toby could respond, he heard someone yelling from down the hall. He recognized the voice; it wasn’t Thotham, or any of the other guards.

Things were going to have to speed up if he wanted to get to the good part.

Toby twisted his hands around to clasp onto the elf’s. “I would do anything for you. You’re my hero, Doug the Dark Elf.”

Doug the Dark Elf squeezed Toby’s hands again. “Call me Doug.”

Toby let out a heavy breath. “Okay. You’re my hero...Doug.” He bit his lip to stifle a giggle.

The voice yelled out again, calling Toby’s name. Toby ignored it.

“Is there any way I can show you my appreciation?” Doug pulled one hand away from Tobys’ and lifted it to his hair. His fingers pressed through Toby’s curls, pushing them out of his face and behind his ear. Toby tried to repress another giggle but it escaped through his nose as a half-snort, half-sigh. Toby blushed, but Doug didn’t seem to notice.

“Is there anything I can do to repay you?”

Toby kicked his foot against the ground, rolled his ankle from side to side, and gave Doug a coy smile. “Well, I don’t know…”

Doug’s hand fell from Toby’s ear down to his jaw, tracing the line until it reached his chin.

The yelling was getting louder. Toby didn’t have much time left.

“Maybe I know,” Doug said. He had leaned closer to Toby, so close that his breath brushed against the tip of Toby’s nose.

“I _know_ you know,” Toby said with a shaky breath. “But it will have to wait until next time, Doug.”

Toby pulled his hands away from Doug, clapped them together, and the dark elf disappeared. The cell, the long hallway, the guards, and his fancy hat all dissipated around him; the magic of his illusion floated away as the energy returned to the cosmos. After a few moments, he was back in his quarters on the _D4C_.

As the door to his room burst open, he snapped his fingers; a seat of beans sped toward him as he dropped down and a book appeared in his hand. Rowan burst through the door. A speaking stone was tucked between her cheek and her shoulder, her head angled to hold it there as she shot finger crossbows to Toby. He shot one back before covering his face up with his book.

Hopefully, the blush of his cheeks wasn’t so bright she could see it through paper.


	2. It's Important to Make a Good Impression on Your First Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew of the D4C head off to their first real job.

“Yes, we would _LOVE_ to take on this job,” Rowan said into the speaking stone nudged between her shoulder and cheek. The half-elf ranger continued to speak into the stone as she entered Toby’s office. “Thank you so much for the opportunity.” Her voice was velvety smooth and pitched higher than usual. She must be talking to a potential client, Toby realized. After another “thank you” and a “have a GREAT day,” the conversation ended.

Her fists flung through the air in a flurry. “We got a job!” Rowan shouted, followed by a kick that reached a height high above Toby’s head.

One of his fists rose in the air to match hers as he said, “yahoo!”

With the speaking stone in hand, Rowan raised her arm, said, “HELL yeah,” and flung that arm down. The stone slammed into the ground and shattered.

Toby pointed to the mess of splintered rock on the floor with his mage hand. “What if they try to call back?”

Rowan looked to the ground, made an ‘O’ with her mouth then shrugged.

“I’ll get another one from my sister before we leave. I’m sure her guy can hook me up with the same enchantment.”

She walked across the room as she spoke. It was a modest-sized office, considering all the space Toby had to take advantage of on his airship. There was plenty of sitting space, thanks to the newest product from the Treacletart family. It was the seat of beans, a large suede sitting cushion filled with beans; an item of Toby's design. They had only reached the prototype stage so far, all of which sat in this office.

In the center of the room, a wooden chair was tucked into a matching desk. On top of the desk were two letter trays; one for contracts with clients and one for contracts with employees.

Both of them were empty.

Rowan hopped a few inches into the air, spun around, and landed with one leg crossed over the other on the edge of Toby’s desk. She picked up a quill and tossed it in the air, caught it, and repeated the gesture continuously.

“So,” she said. A smile that Toby did not trust was spreading across her face. “What were you doing before I walked in?”

He peered at her over the top of his book. She made eye contact with him, waggled her eyebrows, and he pushed his face back into his book.

“Were you rescuing Donny the Dork Elf again?”

The book Toby had been holding was thrust through the air in the direction of Rowan.

“His _name_ is _Doug_ the _Dark_ Elf!”

The book dropped to the floor before it reached her and Rowan cackled, one hand clutching the side of her ribs and the other clutching the side of the desk.

Toby wiggled his bottom from side to side in an attempt to dig himself deeper into his seat. He wished for an avalanche of beans to bury him alive. His mind flipped through every spell he knew of, trying to remember one that would bring beans to life and force them to consume him entirely.

Sinking into the chair didn’t work and he couldn’t remember a single bean-related spell. Instead, he wrung his fingers through his hair, pushing the curls out of his eyes as he grumbled, “just tell me about the job!”

Rowan tucked away her fish-eating grin and replaced it with a small, coy smile. She sprang down from the desk, walked over to the cushion Toby sat on, and waved her hand impatiently at him. With a sigh, he dropped his hands and scooted forward. She plopped down behind him.

“It’s in Calsten, _jewel of the west,_ ” she said. She ran her fingers through his hair a few times, detangling it before parting it into sections. “Ashayara heard some reports from a guy who knew a guy who knew a, like, commoner or something? Maybe they were like, a cleric, or...whatever, they didn’t sound very powerful.”

“Next time it might be useful to write this information down, but continue.”

“Right, making a mental note. Tell you so you can write it down. So I get in touch with this weak guy, Torso, and he says that there’s a lot of trouble in Calsten lately -- ”

“Did you say his name is _Torso_?”

She tugged on the lock of hair she was working with and Toby gave a mumble of disapproval. “Yeah, dude, don’t make fun of other people’s names! That’s our client.”

Toby squinted his eyes in thought. It might be best to double-check that.

“ _Anyway_ ,” Rowan continued. “Seems like there’s some goons in town who claim to be the last remnants of Bahamut’s Army, and Trombo asked us to take care of them. Now, tilt your head down as far as you can.”

Toby squeezed his chin against his chest. Torso and Trombo. He wondered if either was close to accurate.

“Do you think they’re the real deal?” Toby asked. The Army of Bahamut had been, as far as he knew, decimated by the Ätlän-tã Fælcons long before Lex arrived at the white spire of his hometown. Though if a few soldiers _had_ escaped, at this point, they’d had plenty of time to join forces and start causing a ruckus again.

“Pssh, no biggie either way,” Rowan said. “They’re no match for the Hotties of Drunkeros! Right, Toby?”

“That’s not our name.”

Rowan clicked her tongue in disappointment. “Thotties for Drunkeros?”

“No!”

Toby could practically hear her eyes rolling behind him. They sat in silence while Rowan sulked and continued to braid Toby’s hair. After a minute, he felt her scoot closer to him and lean her head towards his.

“So,” she whispered, “did you get to the good stuff with Doug?”

Toby pressed his chin tighter against his chest. His face grew warmer and he bit his lip to suppress a smile. “Almost,” he whispered back.

Rowan leaned back away from him. “Nice.” After a few more moments, she clapped her hands together and said, “finished!”

Toby pulled a small compact out from the inner pockets of his robes -- a plain, mundane compact. In his reflection, he could see how Rowan had braided his hair. It was divided into two braids; one started in the front, one started at the nape of his neck, and the two merged at the top of his crown to form a single thick braid that reached just past his shoulders.

He spotted two thumbs up and a big grin behind him in his reflection.

“Now get up and whip that braid!” Rowan said.

“You want to see me whip this hair?” Toby asked. He stood up, faced Rowan, put his hands on his hips and asked again.

“Do _you_ want to see _this_ hair _whip_?!”

Rowan threw her fist in the air, pumping it up and down and hollered, “you know I do!”

Toby clapped his hands together, cast _haste_ on himself, and flung his head around in a circle as fast as he could. His braid sped through the air as Rowan chanted his name.

***

The next day was spent in Pelor’s Hope preparing the _D4C_ for their journey to Calsten. Since the demise of Sinu the Red, the airship had been stationed on the outskirts of the city. Eager to start an adventuring group of their own, Toby and Rowan figured that, considering Rowan’s royal connections in town, this would be the best place to earn a name for themselves as stalwart mercenaries. Escort along a dangerous path, guard work for the local tavern, crier. fruit picker, mason, painter, they were willing to take on any job that needed doing.

Rather than take on dangerous and exciting tasks, however, they had mostly been doing charity work in the name of Queen Ashayara Dayne. After King Titus Harper’s death, no one could say they were unsurprised at the lengths to which Queen Ashayara went to continue his philanthropic endeavors. Under her orders, the duo traveled from New Newfoundland Land to Brexleyshire, stopping in cities that were still struggling to recover from the demon apocalypse (avoiding Mastwick, of course). They replowed fields in the remnants of Old Luvale, rebuilt schools in what was left of Keshai, and built a library in the ruins of Caer.

And then there were babysitting duties.

All free of charge, of course. The family discount.

It was the morning of the next day when they were finally ready to leave. While seeing them off, Queen Ashayara informed them, for the umpteenth time, how preposterous it was to fly there rather than sail.

“The journey will take twice as long,” she exclaimed. She even offered to bring the _Chum Guzzler_ out of retirement.

Toby nearly lost all composure at the idea of sailing the sea on the same ship that the Ätlän-tã Fælcons had liberated from pirates and traveled the world on, but Toby remained firm in his stance: he had put a lot of work into tricking out his stolen airship and making it look sick as heck, so he was going to show it off as often as he could.

“Not stolen, _liberated_ ,” Rowan corrected him. He shot a fist out towards her in camaraderie and she returned the gesture.

As far as a crew went, Winston, their loyal captain, rounded up what remained of the original _CG_ crew. The only person missing was Ros, who the queen said was on a mission but would give no further details, no matter how hard Rowan pressed. Toby could see in her eyes that they shared the same feeling; they were excited to move on from Pelor’s Hope and no longer be Ashayara’s lackeys, but after being her most trusted agents for so long, it was a blow to their self esteem to be left out of a top secret mission.

But doing secret missions would never get them recognition as noble adventurers in the public eye, so they had to move on.

***

On the deck of the _D4C_ two weeks later, Rowan was trying to teach Toby how to braid hair. Toby Two was sitting criss-cross on the floor in front of them, acting the part of a patient test subject.

“Now remember, since Y-bot’s hair doesn’t grow, it’s shorter than yours which could make it trickier to braid,” Rowan said.

Y-bot was a nickname she had given the simulacrum in an attempt to make him seem more fun and less intimidating. Toby thought if she found it so necessary to give him a nickname, she could have picked something more creative than literally just his own name backwards. Since it didn’t bother Toby Two (not that he could be bothered even if he wanted to be), he gave up fighting against it.

“On the other hand,” she continued, “it’s always more difficult to braid your own hair than someone else’s.”

Toby’s brow was knit in concentration. He was trying to hold three locks of hair in his hands simultaneously and merge them together in a simple pattern; that shouldn’t be too difficult for someone of his intelligence, right? He just needed to focus. One hand crossed over the other, then -- where did this strand go? Maybe...the other hand swooped under and around. Yes, this was looking like...something. His hands crossed over again, and he sat back and admired his work. Then he frowned.

“It’s just a big knot,” he said, pouting as he turned to Rowan.

“Yeah, buddy. You just made a big-ass knot.”

Toby turned back to his creation and let out a sigh of defeat. Before he could raise his hands and waggle his fingers, Rowan’s own hands were swatting his away.

“No magic!” She chided.

Toby slapped his hands to his knees and glared at her. “Just let me magic the knot away!”

“No way, dude!” Rowan said. She waved her arms around, gesticulating wildly as she spoke. “When you’re at a sleepover, and it’s the three in the morning, and you’re talking about that hot piece of ass you saw earlier at the tavern,” she slammed her pointer finger into her palm, shoving her hands towards Toby, “you are braiding each other’s hair with your delicate little fingie-wingies.” She waggled her fingie-wingies at him. “You’re not just waving a magic wand back and forth. You gotta get _in there_ and _bond_ with your BFF. How are you supposed to give anybody dating advice if you’re not rooting around at their scalp checking out their dandruff situation?”

Toby’s mouth was hanging open in a daze. After he took a moment to collect his thoughts, he raised his eyebrows at her and spoke.

“Sometimes the things that you say are profoundly stupid.”

“Sometimes the things that I say are so fucking _profoundly_ _wise_ that they go straight over your head because you’re so short.”

Toby’s mouth was open again, but this time out of offense rather than shock.

“Now close that mouth and get those fingers back _in there_!”

“I’m a _wizard,_ for crying out loud! If I want a braid, I can just make my mage hand do it.”

The mage hand appeared suddenly in mid-air, eager fingers wiggling towards Toby Two’s hair.

“Hey!” Rowan’s index finger sprung up and pointed straight at the hand. It stopped, inches from Toby Two, its fingers still. She jutted her finger out a little farther with every word for emphasis.

“Don’t. You Fucking. Dare.”

The mage hand seemed to quiver as Rowan stared it down. It turned to Toby, who raised his eyebrows and mouthed _“come on!”_ For a moment, it turned back and forth between the two indecisively until finally, it landed on Rowan.

She jutted her finger towards the floating hand once more, then drew her thumb across her throat. That seemed to be enough, and the mage hand began to float backwards away from the three of them.

“You coward,” Toby hissed. “You’re _spectral_. She can’t even touch you!”

The mage hand shook back and forth as it floated away, simulating the shake of a head that said “I’m not taking any chances, man.” It kept floating away until the spell failed and it vanished.

Toby crossed his arms and let out another agitated breath. Rowan continued with the lesson.

She picked up a large-tooth comb that was sitting between them and held it out towards Toby.

“Let’s practice combing out our fuck-ups.”

Toby was about to (begrudgingly) take the comb from her, but he felt a jolt run across his skin before he could reach for it.

“Oh! I have a message,” he said. “From Arlington. I think he found something.” _And just in time, too. Thank you Arlington for your perfect timing!_

Rowan was hopping up and down in her seat at the news. “Oh! Oh! What is it?”

“Hold on, I’ll find out.” He closed his eyes and was about to enter Arlington’s mind, but his eyes sprung back open as he remembered something.

“Um, this might take a minute, and I don’t want to leave Toby Two in this state, so,” he gestured toward the mess of hair on Toby Two’s head, “do you think you could fix this for me?”

Rowan gave him a disapproving look before she lifted the comb and dragged it through the ends of Toby Two’s hair.

“Thanks!” Toby said. He closed his eyes and was gone.

***

Experiencing the world as Arlington always gave him a rush of excitement through his chest and a tug of homesickness in his gut. Flying through the air made him feel untouchable but being so far from the world made him miss it all, even Rowan’s inane “wisdom” and dim-witted insults.

Right now, he was trying to ignore both of those feelings. There was something Arlington wanted to show him, so he needed to let his familiar take charge.

The blackbird had been circling the _D4C_ when Toby received its message. They couldn’t fly too far away from his body in this condition, so Toby had to be careful.

Lucky for him, what Arlington wanted to show him was right under the ship.

***

Toby returned to his body as if he was thrown into it; his torso lurched back and his arms were thrown into the air. He had been too excited to be graceful about re-entering himself.

“Winston!” He shouted as he jumped up and ran to the helm of the ship. Winston stood at the wheel with two other crew members. Toby believed they were Trevor and Brady.

“What is it, boss?” Winston asked in his low, drawn-out voice.

“We need to land as quickly as possible. There’s something Rowan and I need to check out on the ground.”

The half-orc turned to his subordinates, gave them orders to prepare to land, and they sped off to their stations.

Rowan appeared, Toby Two trailing behind her and carrying their styling tools. “What’s up? What did Arlington see?”

Toby turned to Rowan, hopping up and down as he did so.

“There’s a cave beneath us and it’s _full_ of those Bahamat guys!”

Rowan closed her eyes and slowly raised her fists in the air. As she whispered, “yes,” she pulled her elbows back down to her sides. She opened her eyes, clapped her hands together and said, “I’m so fuckin’ _pumped_ for this, dude! I haven’t killed anything in so long. Doing all that charity work was so exhausting. I have been dying to _kill_ something or at least get in a little fistfight -- but no, all this time we’ve been hanging out in mudhut towns building free bookstores --”

“They’re called libraries,” Toby interrupted.

“Whatever, dude, burn ‘em all to the fucking ground now. Let’s go kill some bad guys!”

***

The airship landed in a clearing about an hour’s walk from the cave. Before Toby and Rowan disembarked, Toby gave Toby Two a big hug and told him to stay safe.

Toby Two mimicked the sentiment and said, “be safe!” He waved to them until they disappeared from view.

They walked for a short while before Toby brought up something he had been wondering about since he discovered the cave.

“Did _the client_ ,” Toby said, referring to the client as such because he still wasn’t sure what their real name was, “say anything about where the Army of Bahamut have been hiding out? I expected it to be closer to town. We’re at least a half a day away from Calsten by airship, probably a day or two by horseback.”

Rowan shook her head. “Torpedo didn’t know exactly where their headquarters were, he just said they seemed like they were coming from everywhere.”

Torpedo. Toby took note. Another possibility.

“Maybe they _are_ coming from everywhere,” Rowan continued. “Maybe they have some dudes out here and some dudes in town?”

“That’s a possibility.”

They continued in silence for another short while until Rowan brought up something that she had clearly been wondering about for equally as long.

“I was thinking, what if we jazzed up Y-bot’s look a little? He never grows or changes so it gets kinda boring and, frankly, it’s one of his more terrifying traits. If we gave him hair extensions, dude, we could make it _so_ classy and elegant. He would look fly as hell and be so much more charming and easier to look at. Plus, I know a girl who can hook us up with genuine. Gnome. Hair.”

“Did the gnome give it up willingly?”

He tried to look at her, but she avoided eye contact. He shuddered and made a mental note to never let Rowan near Toby Two’s head again.

Another jolt went through him as he received a message from Arlington. He grabbed onto Rowan’s arm to bring her to a stop.

“I got another message,” he said. He held his arms up and made grabby hands at her. “Do you mind?”

Rowan turned her back towards him and knelt down. “Hop up, buddy!”

Toby hopped onto her back and wrapped his legs around her torso; she put her arms under his knees to support him. Once he was secured, she continued to walk forward as he closed his eyes and blacked out.

After a few moments, he returned with a shudder and frowned.

“Oh, dear.”

“What is it?” Rowan asked.

“Um, let me double-check.” He closed his eyes again and went limp in her arms. Another few moments passed followed by a shudder that ran through his body. Toby called his familiar back. Arlington landed on his arm, turned into a rat, and crawled inside of his robes. He clapped his hands together, cast _haste_ on Rowan, and said, “run as fast as you can! We need to get there _now!”_

***

At the mouth of the cave, Toby sunk to his bottom in disappointment.

Rowan inhaled sharply through her teeth. “Looks like someone else got here first.”

Blood and bodies covered the ground of the cave, even spilling out onto the grass outside. The sigil of Bahamut was sewn into the outfit of every body here, so they at least knew this was the group they were looking for. There were around eight bodies; humans, goblins, elves, even a gnome. Toby allowed himself to feel a little bit of joy at how inclusive this group had been.

“Oh!” Rowan exclaimed, pointing excitedly towards the center of the cave. “Look, one of them’s getting up! There’s still one left!”

She was right; one of the humans in the pile of bodies was lifting themself up now, or at least attempting to. They managed to get themselves on all fours, but as they tried to lift themself further, their hand slipped and they toppled back to the ground.

Rowan gasped. Toby held his breath. _C’mon, big guy, you can do it! Let us get at least one kill so we can get that paycheck! You can do it!_

The human was lifting himself up again. It seemed like he had found strength in himself that wasn’t there before; he was moving quicker, if only by a fraction of a second, and he wasn’t wobbling as much, he looked much steadier than just a few moments ago, maybe he would make it! Maybe Rowan could quench her blood lust just a little and they could finish their first job and --

A tall figure came out from the shadows of the cave. Her long black hair blended into her all black outfit. She had purple skin and she wielded a halberd.

With a great leap forward, said halberd went straight through the human’s neck.

Toby waited a moment, let her bask in her final kill, then cleared his throat.

“Ahem!”

Jaela looked up towards the mouth of the cave, her jaw dropped in surprise, and she screamed.

“Rowan?! Toby?! What are you two doing here?!”

So much for that first paycheck.


	3. Who Invited You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toby and Rowan learn the importance of gathering info _before_ beginning an adventure.

As Jaela slogged toward them through the mass of dead bodies, Rowan and Toby exchanged a look of confusion.

Using _message_ , Toby asked, _did you know she would be here?_

A quick shake of her head told him that Rowan was as surprised as he was to see their old adventuring partner. Not that they were upset to see one of their best friends. Yes, a little disappointed to lose the bounty, but happier to see Jaela. That definitely outweighed their disappointment.

Definitely.

Jaela, on the other hand, did not look like she was feeling any disappointment. Surprise and excitement were clear through her beaming smile as she reached for Toby.

Big, strong hands wrapped around his waist and lifted him high in the air, up to her torso. Her arms wrapped around him tightly, though not too tightly; his strength was meager compared to hers. Which meant there was no reason for him not to wrap his arms as tightly as he could around her and squeeze with all his strength.

Yes, this absolutely outweighed any disappointment.

Once she had her fill of Toby’s feeble attempts to crush her betwixt his arms, she placed him down gently and gave him a warm smile before turning to Rowan.

“Damn, girl.” Rowan looked Jaela up and down slowly. ”Did getting married make you hotter or what?”

Jaela immediately feigned shyness, hiding her smile behind her hand and shrugging. “I mean, yeah, probably. I also just murdered a bunch of dudes and that always gives me a glow; maybe that’s it.”

The two reached their hands out and began a handshake so long and convoluted, Toby never bothered to try and follow. It started with violently shooting finger crossbows at each other and ended with them slapping each other on the butt.

After the greetings were over and all rears were sufficiently swatted, Jaela said, “I can’t believe you guys are here! Everyone’s gonna be so excited to see you. They’ll be back soon, they just took the mounts out to graze and check we didn’t miss any stragglers.”

“Who’s with you?” Toby asked.

Jaela winked at him in response.

Toby furrowed his brow at her. She had a look that said she knew something he didn’t and she was enjoying it. That was usually a foreboding look.

“So,” Rowan said. “Who’s your boss now? Last time we saw you, you had just finished with the Raven Queen, right? Are you on a mission for a new god? Or,” Rowan raised an eyebrow. “Should I not ask...?”

“No, no,” Jaela said, waving her hand back and forth lackadaisically. “It’s fine. I’ve got a new god now! He’s super great, really chill dude. His name is, uh…” She paused, and began to pat down her clothing. “Uh, I know it, I have it written down here somewhere...”

“It’s Hanseath, you miscreant,” said a voice from behind them.

As Toby spun around at the sound of the voice, he saw someone walk out of the forest and into the clearing that wrapped around the mouth of the cave.

“Right, Hanseath!” Jaela bumped her palm into her forehead. “Of course, duh. I knew that, I just -- you know how it is. Meet someone new, it can take a hot minute to remember their name!”

“Mmhmm. Can’t believe my people didn’t name you queen instead of Aludra, what with your vast knowledge of dwarven customs and gods and such.”

The figure had come into view now. He was an older, stout dwarf with silverish grey hair and beard. If Toby thought he sounded curmudgeony, it was nothing compared to the scowl on his face and the hunch of his shoulders.

As the dwarf drew closer to them, he looked back and forth between Toby and Rowan with what may have been a hint of curiosity in his eyes. If there had been any there, he ignored it as he walked past them and headed toward a large rock on the side of the cave. He sat down on the rock, circled his hands around his mouth, and yelled, “c’mon, then!

Out of the forest came a pegasus, barreling toward them.

“Princess Ivy Bluemoon!” Toby clapped his hands together and hopped up and down on his tip toes.

“Hey there, Toby!” Princess Ivy Bluemoon said as she ran a few laps around him and Rowan. She stopped in front of Toby and nuzzled her head against his cheek, eliciting a giggle as he pet her neck. He felt something wet and sticky on his hand, and when he pulled it away, he saw a dark, brownish red substance.

“Oh! It looks like...you have blood on your neck...Ah,” Toby said. He prestidigitzed his hand clean.

“Battle is never pretty, little one!” She replied.

Something else came out of the forest, trailing behind her. Something Toby didn’t notice until it was too late.

Teeth clenched onto Toby’s bottom and he flew into the air, jumping up to his full height.

“AH! Ow ow ow owie owie owie OUCH!” He slapped his palms onto the cheeks of his backside protectively and dashed between Rowan’s legs, hiding behind her like a shield. “My butt! Something bit my butt!”

A stifled laugh from Rowan enticed him to peak his head out from behind her leg, and there he saw the culprit.

It was her. His mortal enemy.

Standing on four legs in front of him was the donkey.

“Aw, sweet little Daisy just wants to play, right?” Jaela leaned down to scratch between her ears. Toby watched in horror as his best friend massaged the head of his worst enemy. Is this what she had been so giddy about keeping secret from him earlier?

Jaela’s hand paused on top of Daisy’s head as her eye was caught by something the donkey held in her mouth. “Oh, what’s that?”

Toby squinted his eyes, trying to discern what the mush of fabric she was chewing on could be --

then his hands slapped the top of his head. His bare, naked head.

“That’s my hat!” He stomped his feet on the ground and covered his head with his hands in shame. “It’s in her mouth! She took my hat!”

She was evil. She had to be. She had bug wings and spider legs! That is so evil. She bites butts! And she steals hats! Well, she steals Toby’s hats. Three hats had already fallen at her teeth, and from the looks of it, this hat would soon follow as the fourth.

“C’mon, girl, let me have it. Do you want to trade? I’ve got a sugar cube for you. No? You don’t want it? How about a carrot? Yeah? Here you -- oh, okay, she took the carrot while managing to hold onto the hat. Okay. She has both. Great. Okay, what else do I have here for you…”

Toby sighed in defeat. It was over; another hat lost. This day couldn’t get any worse. His bounty was stolen by his best friend, his hat was stolen by his other best friend’s donkey. Winston was probably stealing his airship as they spoke and throwing Toby Two overboard.

 _Wait_ , Toby thought, _if Daisy is here, then shouldn’t her owner be here too…?_

“Oh, just in time!” Jaela bounced up to her full height. She faced the forest as she spoke, where one last figure had emerged. “We’ve got a little situation.”

As soon as he came walking out of the forest, Daisy bounded toward him, panting like a puppy.

“Hey, Daisy,” Bucky said in his deep and listless tone. “What do you have?” He kneeled down in front of her and held out his hands.

Daisy spat a chewed up lump of fabric into his palms. After depositing her prize, she turned, walked to a nearby patch of grass, and began to chew on it mindlessly.

Bucky held the lump out gingerly between two fingers and frowned. “What is this?”

“That’s my hat!” Toby said. Bucky looked up in his direction and saw Toby’s head poking out from behind Rowan. He held the hat out and Toby ran forward to retrieve it.

As Toby reached him, Bucky looked nervously at the hat. He mumbled an apology and tried to shake the donkey slobber away, slapping it forcefully against his knee.

“I got it,” Toby said, his hands outstretched and making grabbing motions. Looking sheepish, Bucky passed the hat to him. Toby hummed to himself, wiggled his fingers around, and within moments his hat was clean, dry, and the few holes had been repaired. He held it up to examine it; there was some wear that even _mending_ couldn’t fix, but it was acceptable. With another wiggle of his fingers, the hat went flying through the air and landed on top of his head.

“Looks great, man,” Bucky said, giving Toby a thumbs up.

Before Bucky could stand, Toby lunged forward to give him a great big hug. His heart felt weightless in his chest. This was the best day ever. Four of his best friends were here, and one of them had rescued his hat from his mortal enemy.

The hug with Bucky was much more relaxed and shorter than Jaela’s hug, given Bucky’s hecka chill personality. When they let go, Bucky stood up and Toby turned to face Jaela, his head turning back and forth between the two as he spoke.

“What are you all doing here? And who -- “ He turned to the stout dwarf and noticed his head was lolled to one side, his eyes were closed, and his mouth hung wide open. With his voice lowered, Toby continued, “and who is this guy?”

Rowan’s arms were crossed as she nodded emphatically. “I second all that. This was supposed to be _our_ job. Are you here on behalf of your new god -- what’s his face? Hot shit? Does he not get along with Bahamut?”

“First of all, _this_ guy,” her thumb jutted toward the sleeping dwarf, “is called Thorreg. He works for me and Aludra. Real great dude once you get to know him. Secondly, what’s his face’s name is Ha...Haasss...Hassith?” Jaela scratched her head. “Uh, Hasheath?” She shook her head and sighed. “I’ll get it eventually. But no, I’m not here on his behalf.”

Jaela let out a deep breath. “He doesn’t really, y’know, talk to me. Or like, acknowledge my existence apart from allowing me to call on him for spells. But y’know, we’re just figuring things out! We’re getting to know each other.” Jaela nodded to herself. “Yeah, we’re just getting to know each other.”

“O-kay.” Rowan poked her in the shoulder. “What are you doing _here_ then? Did Ashayara ask you to meet us?”

“Ashayara _Dayne_?” Jaela scoffed. “No siree. I’m here for Erath Darkhammer. Did Aludra not tell you? When I saw you, I figured she’d sent for you.”

“Erath Darkhammer?” Toby thought for a moment, then ran up to Rowan and tugged on her pant leg. “That’s not our client, right? That’s not even close to any of the names you’ve given me.”

Rowan clicked her tongue against her teeth and rolled her eyes. “I think I would remember if the leader of Calsten had asked us for a favor.”

The leader of Calsten, _that_ was Darkhammer! Toby knew the name sounded familiar.

“If he sent you, then why did Toronto ask us to come?” Rowan kicked her foot against the ground. Dirt flew out from beneath her as she grumbled. “What a freaking waste of my time.”

Toby patted her on the leg. “There, there, Rowan. I’m sure we’ll get another job soon. We can always...y’know...go back to Queen Ashayara for now...”

“Hold up, so someone sent you after the Army of Bahamut, too?” Jaela asked.

Toby nodded solemnly. “Yup. It was going to be our first real job. Our first adventure, even, since we all took out the lich.”

“Hmm.” Jaela stuck the pointy end of her halberd into the ground and leaned against it thoughtfully. “Interesting. I guess it makes sense that more than one party would want these guys taken out, considering what they’ve done.”

Toby and Rowan exchanged confused looks. Through _message_ , he asked, _do you know what they did?_ She only shook her head.

“You guys don’t know what they did, do you?” Jaela asked.

Rowan and Toby shook their heads in unison.

“They brought an epidemic to the city.” It was Thorreg who spoke; he appeared at Jaela’s side, apparently awake now. “You would go on a job to destroy a literal army without knowing anything about them? You’re real nincompoops.”

“We don’t know anything about them _yet_ ,” Toby corrected. “We were on our way to meet our client when we just happened upon...this.” He waved his hands in a circle, encompassing the contents of the cave in his gesture. “This situation you got going on here. But...what do you mean by an epidemic?”

“People in Calsten are getting sick,” Jaela said. “Really, really sick. That’s why Aludra and I came. We wanted to extend the hand of Deephome and do what we can to help, to stop the spread of whatever it is that’s happening here. According to Darkhammer, these are the people who started it.”

If the Army of Bahamut brought a sickness into town, Toby thought, it made sense that everyone would want them gone. What didn’t make sense is that if Erath Darkhammer, the _leader of the city,_ had already taken steps to suppress the army, why would somebody else go out of their way to hire a freelance adventuring group to come in?

It made Toby even more eager to meet their client.

“If your job was to take these guys out,” Jaela continued, “then you don’t need to worry about losing your paycheck. Rumor is they’re set up in town, too; this was only a fraction of the whole group.”

That got Rowan’s attention. Her foot stopped kicking up dirt and she looked at Jaela with wide eyes. As quick as her excitement had come, she tried to conceal it. She ran a hand through her hair and turned her eyes down.

“Oh, that’s cool. I mean, if there’s more, I don’t mind taking care of them. Totally, for sure.”

“Totally, for sure,” Jaela repeated, smiling at her. “Hey, if you want some credit for this, just grab some trophies before we go, to show your client.”

“Good idea!” Toby hopped up and down. “Rowan, do you have a dagger? We could cut some of these sigils off the bodies. Maybe we could get a couple fingers, too. That would make us look super tough and badass, don’t you think?”

Rowan leaned down and pulled a dagger out of her boot. They looked over bodies together as they tried to find sigils that had the most blood and dirt on them.

Thorreg had gone back to his seat on the rock. As he picked at his nails, Daisy and Princess Ivy Bluemoon stood on either side of him, trying to nudge open the sacks around his waist.

As Toby watched the mounts search for sugar cubes and carrots, he noticed there was something around Daisy’s mouth; a dark, brownish red substance smeared across her muzzle. Could that be…?

Toby’s hands clamped onto his butt again. “There’s blood on her mouth! She has blood all over her face!” He spun around in a panic like a dog chasing their tail, craning his neck to find any evidence of a wound on his bottom. “Is my butt bleeding?!”

Thin, nimble fingers grabbed onto his shoulders and held him down. For a moment, his feet tried to keep running underneath him but they stopped once they realized he wasn’t going anywhere. He looked up and saw Bucky had secured him in place.

“Calm down, dude,” Bucky said. “All that blood is from earlier. She’s pretty good at killing.”

Toby was completely unsurprised by that statement.

“Are you sure there’s nothing on my butt?” He twisted his neck as far as he could and peered down. “It sure felt like she drew blood.”

Bucky peered over Toby’s shoulders, then leaned back and let him go. “No, your butt looks good.”

Toby looked up at Bucky, whose face was turned away from him now. Disinterest was clear in his expression, as it usually was. Toby suddenly felt a little embarrassed that he had just asked someone to check out his butt. There wasn’t a reason for him to feel weird about it though, right? Rowan forced him to look at her butt all the time, and that was perfectly normal.

“Um, so, do you adventure with your moms now?” Toby asked, hoping a normal conversation would make him feel, well, normal.

Bucky wheezed in response. “No way, halberd mom just gets so excited about killing stuff that she drags me along. She thinks it will be like, a bonding experience, or whatever.”

“Aw!” Toby said. “That’s...nice?”

“Uh, I guess.” Bucky shrugged. “I think she’s really just trying to show off, though. Since burrito mom can’t go on as many adventures with her anymore, she misses having someone tell her how cool she looks after a fight.”

Toby nodded thoughtfully. “She does look pretty cool after a fight.”

Bucky grabbed onto his shoulders. “Don’t tell her that! That’s what she wants.”

“Um.” Bucky was looking him in the eye now, a severity in his expression that Toby had never seen before. “Okay, okay, I won’t tell her that. I’ll tell her...I’ll tell her she looks like a big loser! All dumb, swinging her big bloody halberd around. How _lame_!”

“Hey, Buckster?” Jaela called from inside the cave. She had been inspecting the bodies herself and it seemed like she had found the trophy she was looking for. “Mind bringing me your sword so I can borrow it for a sec?”

Bucky released Toby’s shoulders and reached for the Battle-Crazed Greatsword on his back. Unlike Jaela’s halberd, Thorreg’s warhammer, or Daisy’s face, the blade of this weapon wasn’t covered in blood and dirt; it was clean. As he pulled it out, he turned to walk into the cave, toward Jaela.

“Don’t say any of that stuff,” he said, over his shoulder. “Okay? Just be cool.”

“Totally! I’m cool,” Toby said, still rubbing his bottom in search of a wound. “I’m totally cool. I won’t say anything weird.” Bucky had walked out of hearing range, so he was mostly saying this to himself. He turned back towards Rowan to continue their hunt for sigils but found her staring at him, her eyebrows raised.

“Cool, huh?” Rowan asked.

Toby finally pulled his hands away from his butt. “Very.”

The sound of metal slicing through meat drew their attention away from each other. They looked toward the sound and saw Jaela, standing over a half-orc and slicing through their neck with the Battle-Crazed Greatsword. Once she had successfully separated the head from the body, she held it up cheerfully.

“You brought the _D4C_ , right? You still got my meat locker on there?”

Toby grinned awkwardly. “We sure do!”

***

Back on the _D4C_ , Toby Two was standing in place where they had left him.

“Hi!” He waved at them as the group paraded up the ramp of the airship.

“Toby Two!” Toby rushed up the pathway and wrapped his arms around Toby. He pulled away shortly and pressed his palms against the simulacrum’s cheeks, turning and smushing his face as he inspected it. “How are you? Did anything happen while we were gone?”

Toby Two tried to shake his head despite the restraints placed against it. “Nope. I just waited here for you.”

After he was satisfied with his inspection, Toby let Toby Two’s face go. From behind him, Jaela squealed.

“Ah! He still looks the same as the day you made him!” She reached out to grab him and paused, turning to Toby. “Is it still okay to hug him? I won’t break him, right?”

Toby nodded and waved his hands toward Toby Two. “Go for it! He loves hugs.”

Toby Two stretched his arms into the air. “I love hugs!”

Jaela wrapped her arms around him, lifted him up, and swung him through the air. After spinning a few times, she set him down and he said, “thank you! Would you like a sandwich?”

“Uh, no,” she said, ruffling his hair. “But thank you.”

“Hey, you’re getting blood everywhere!” Rowan said. She gestured toward the floor, where a pool of blood was forming at Jaela’s feet. It had followed her up the ramp, leaving a thin trail behind them. Then she pointed at the half-orc head that hung at Jaela’s hip, blood dripping from its neck.

“Shit!” Jaela grabbed the head by its hair and held it up with one hand; she held the other hand beneath it to catch any blood that dripped off. “Sorry! Is the meat locker in the same place?”

Toby nodded and she was gone, sprinting up the pathway and through the airship.

“Um, well,” Toby turned to the rest of the group and waved in the direction Jaela had gone. “This is our airship! We can show you two around, if you want.”

Bucky stepped forward. He was starring at Toby Two, his forehead wrinkled.

“Oh, yeah! You two haven’t met yet, have you?” Toby asked.

Bucky stuck his finger out toward Toby Two, then pointed at Toby, then back to Toby Two.

“Is this your...twin?” He asked.

“He’s a simulacrum!”

“A...sin mule of crumb?”

“Uh, no,” Toby bit his lip in thought. “I made him out of snow!”

Bucky’s expression became more wrinkled. “So, he’s a snowman?”

“Well, that’s not incorrect, technically…”

Bucky’s finger extended out further. Toby Two watched as the finger poked into his chest.

“Ouch,” he said cheerfully.

Bucky quickly pulled his hand back. As he did so, Rowan placed a hand on his shoulder. “Trust me, just don’t think about it. Also, smoking a lot of silverweed helps. Like, a lot.”

“Ugh,” Bucky groaned as he dragged a hand down his face. “Don’t remind me. Daisy ate what I brought with me and I left the rest of my stash in Calsten.”

“Dude,” she tightened her grip on his shoulder and guided him up along the pathway. “Don’t worry, I got you covered.”

“Thank Uthgar,” he mumbled as they ascended the ramp.

Finally, Thorreg approached Toby and Toby Two with the reins of Daisy and Princess Ivy Bluemoon in his hands.

“This your ship?” He asked. Toby nodded. “This ship...flies through the air?” Toby nodded again. Thorreg inclined his head toward Toby Two. “Simulacrum?” Once more, Toby nodded.

Thorreg thrust the reins out in Toby Two’s direction. “You know where I can store these mounts?”

Toby Two smiled and shook his head. “No, I don’t.”

Toby reached his hand out, intercepting the reins before Toby Two could take them. “Toby Two was made _before_ I acquired the _D4C_ , so he doesn’t know the layout of the ship. But we do have a place for animals!”

One of the crew members, Cooper, was nearby. Toby called him over and handed him the reins. To Toby’s surprise, Princess Ivy Bluemoon greeted him by name. Cooper took them to the stables as he and the pegasus chatted.

Thorreg scratched his beard as he looked over Toby Two. “How long since you were created?”

“I don’t know.” Toby Two beamed at him. “Do you want a back massage?”

He stared at the simulacrum for another few moments before he slid an arm over his shoulder. “I like you, tot.” He turned to Toby. “He doesn’t know where anything is, right? So are you gonna show me somewhere I can put my feet up, or are you going to make an old dwarf stand around all day?”

“Oh -- of course! This way sirs.” He waved his hand toward the entrance of the _Dirty Deeds Done Dirt_ _Cheap,_ walked forward, andguided Thorreg and Toby Two onto his airship.


	4. Next Time, Make Sure You Eat Before Adventuring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, they make it to Calsten. Better late than never, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you read this story before 6/25 just an fyi! i have done some editing. it's not a lot and you certainly don't need to reread the first four chapters to follow along the rest of the story.

****Toby guided Thorreg and Toby Two to a lounge area, the one that had the best ventilation on the ship. He assumed this was where Rowan and Bucky would be, and he was right. The two were huddled in front of a large vent, passing a joint back and forth.

Thorreg found his place in a plush armchair. He sat down and beckoned Toby Two over, who eagerly obliged. Toby watched with a worried expression as Toby Two stood behind the armchair and massaged the dwarf’s shoulders. As he sat down on a large couch in front of the vent, he tried to relax his face.

Behind him, the conversation at the vent had become heated.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Rowan said. “This is the best silverweed money can buy. Do you know how much I paid for this?”

There was the sound of a long inhale of breath, then a sharp cough. “Ech,” Bucky gagged. “However much it was, you were way overcharged. This stuff is garbage.”

Rowan gasped. Toby turned to see Rowan’s face contorted in horror.

“You take that back right now,” she breathed. “This is _imported_ ! From _Yangahr_.”

Bucky held the joint up to his noise and sniffed, then frowned. “Yeah, this just smells like hay. Don’t you know anything about silverweed?”

With her hand clutched tightly to her chest, Rowan turned to Toby. “This is _your_ friend and I don’t appreciate the way he is disrespecting me on our airship. Can you please tell him to be more grateful for my generous hospitality?”

Toby thought about pointing out the fact that technically, it was _his_ airship and, well, _technically_ , Queen Ashayara Dayne had given her the money for the silverweed, so if anything, it was Toby and the queen’s generous hospitality -- but he thought better of it, and kept his mouth shut.

Jaela walked in then to save him from any further participation in the debate. Rowan immediately stomped up to her and made her demands.

“ _Your_ stepson,” she said, stabbing Jaela’s shoulder with her finger, “is trying to tell me that my silverweed is worthless. It’s. From. _Yangahr!_ Can you tell him to show some respect for imported goods?”

Jaela raised her hands and cupped Rowan’s face gently between them. “Oh, sweetie,” she said, “no one from Yangahr would know good weed if you blew the smoke in their face. You might as well be smoking oregano.”

Rowan’s shoulders dropped and her face fell. “But...it’s exotic…”

Jaela wrapped her arm around Rowan’s shoulders and guided her to a loveseat in the corner.

“It’s okay,” she said, “it’ll all be okay.”

Rowan sat down and her chin dropped into her hands, her face expressionless as she tried to come to terms with the fact that she had been smoking what was essentially a cooking herb for weeks.

Hopping over the back of the sofa, Bucky landed with a deep sigh beside Toby. In an attempt to comfort his friend, Toby pat his leg.

He leaned closer to Bucky and in a low voice, said, “I’ll share my stash with you, if you want.”

“You’re holding?” Bucky asked, his voice inclining with surprise.

Toby leaned back and crossed his arms behind his head. “Buddy, I’ve got enough gummy owlbears and ochre jelly beans to give you the sugar rush of a lifetime.”

“Oh, a candy stash,” Bucky said. “Huh. Burrito mom didn’t let me eat a lot of sugar growing up. How is it?”

“It’s pretty... _sweet_ ,” Toby said with a wink.

Bucky nodded. “I’m in. Sounds sick.”

“Hopefully we won’t make ourselves,” Toby nudged him in the side with an elbow, “ _sick_.”

“Ha, yeah.”

“No, seriously, I’ve made myself very sick before.”

Bucky’s expression was a mix of concern and amusement as he watched Toby mime being sick after a sugar overdose.

In the corner of the room, the occupants of the loveseat were beginning to come to terms with their life choices. Rowan’s arms and legs were splayed out, her head thrown against the back of the couch. It was her pose of defeat. Jaela sat beside her with her hands in her lap, leaning forward in thought.

“I didn’t notice anyone else on the ship,” she said. “Besides the crew, of course. Is it just the two of you?”

“Well, yeah,” Toby answered. “Steve left a while ago to be with his family. We’re trying to start an adventuring group, but we don’t exactly have the resources to hire people yet. What we have is just enough to keep the _D4C_ running.”

Jaela sat in silence as she thought to herself. She seemed to come to a conclusion as she sat up straight and began to speak.

“As I told you,” she said, “we went after this group because Darkhammer requested it. However, I was under the impression that the group we went after would be...smaller.”

“Smaller?” Rowan asked. “I wouldn’t exactly call eight ‘ _large_.’”

“No, you’re right,” Jaela said. “It’s not large. But that’s not the whole group.”

“Oh, you said there are more in town,” Toby said. “Did Darkhammer tell you that? Do you know how many there are?”

“He did. He also said there would _only_ be eight members.”

“That adds up,” Toby said. “There were eight bodies, weren’t there?”

“But you said that was only a fraction of them, didn’t you?” Rowan asked.

Jaela nodded. “The one whose head I took, the half-orc? Before I killed him, he told us that there were more in town. A lot more. They operate out of a tavern, _The Poxy Wench_.”

Rowan raised her eyebrows. “He just willingly gave you the location of the rest of his team?”

Jaela cracked her knuckles. “I _coerced_ it out of them.”

Beside Toby, Bucky grimaced. Toby gave the githyanki a pat on the knee in sympathy. The poor guy clearly wasn’t cut out for this kind of work.

“People will say anything if they think it might save their life,” Thorreg interjected. He was leaning forward into his lap, his voice shaking as Toby Two continued the massage by making chopping motions against his back. “You don’t know if what they told you was true or not.”

“You’re right, I don’t know,” Jaela said. “That’s why I want the two of you to find out for me.”

Rowan leaned forward. “Do you think Darkhammer lied to you?”

“No,” Jaela said. “Of course not. I mean, I’m not sure. Maybe.”

“It doesn’t sound like you trust him that much.”

Jaela shrugged. “So far, he’s been forthcoming and easy to work with. I had no reason to doubt him until now.”

“Regardless of Erath Darkhammer, we’re obviously going to finish what we started,” Toby said. “But what about you?”

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Jaela said, “but even if I knew I could trust Erath Darkhammer, then I would know he’s being misinformed by someone. I need to stay with Aludra, keep an ear to the ground about what’s going on behind closed doors.”

It seemed as though their first job was becoming more and more complex by the minute. First, it was just a mission to take out a few stragglers from a long-defeated army; now there was a possible government conspiracy.

“That makes sense,” Toby said. “Gather intel.”

“Will the two of you be alright on your own?” Jaela said, “Thorreg, can you help them out? A cleric would be a great addition to their team.”

Thorreg looked up from his massage. “No, thanks,” he said before turning his head back down.

“Um, Thorreg.” Jaela’s voice was very calm. And terrifying. Toby recognized this tone instantly and felt pity for the dwarf it was directed at. “Aludra and I promised you passage to Calsten as long as you worked for us -- ”

“Yes, you did,” he looked up again, whipping his head back violently and smacking Toby Two in the face with his hair. “And I worked for you, and then some. I think I’m ready for retirement.”

Thorreg turned around and pat Toby Two on the face gingerly where his hair had slapped him, then dismissed the simulacrum. Toby Two stood awkwardly behind the chair for a moment, looking lost without a task to fulfill, before running to the vent; he began to wipe the smoke off of it with the sleeve of his robe.

On the loveseat, Jaela was glaring at Thorreg, who was now reclined in his seat with his eyes shut. She had the expression of someone trying to decide what level of anger was appropriate for the moment.

Toby felt a nudge against his leg; it was Bucky’s leg bumping against his. Toby turned his head up and found Bucky looking down at him.

“I could go with you,” Bucky said, “if you need more people.”

At the offer, a flare of joy erupted in Toby’s chest.

“Really?” Jaela said. “Without...me? Or Aludra? You’re willing to go out adventuring, like...of your own free will?”

Bucky brushed some hair away from his face and readjusted himself in his seat. “What’s the big deal? You two are the ones always trying to get me to go out and, like...take down bad guys, or whatever.”

Jaela held her hands up. “Alright, if that’s what you want, Buckster,” she said. She pointed her index finger at him. “But if Aludra gets upset when you tell her, just don’t say that I told you it was okay.”

Toby shouted, “woo!” as he grabbed onto Bucky’s arm and shook it back and forth. “We’re gonna go on an adventure together! This is gonna be _sick_ but the _good_ kind of sick!”

Rowan sat up. “Bucky, as the newest member of the Red Hots -- “

“Absolutely not,” Toby said.

“As the newest member here on the _D4C_ ,” she continued, “it is your responsibility to bring enough silverweed for the entire team on missions. Do you understand?”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “As if I would let you be in charge of the silverweed.”

***

For the next hour, Bucky entertained the group by showing them magic tricks. He had learned them from Harper as a child; they were tricks the sorcerer taught himself while he was struggling to learn real magic at the white spire. Later, after realizing Bucky had no desire to specialize in a class of his own yet, he had taught his tricks to the young githyanki.

When Bucky did his first trick that afternoon, making a coin disappear, he had made the mistake of choosing Rowan as a volunteer. She was furious when her money vanished and wasn’t much happier moments later when it appeared inside of a lemon.

Toby was absolutely amazed. Here Bucky was, a person with absolutely no training in any class, as far as he knew, reading minds by accurately predicting the card one had chosen and making colorful scarves appear out of thin air.

“How are you doing this without magic?” Toby asked. “You’re sure you’re not a wizard or a sorcerer? Or a warlock? I won’t judge you if you’ve made a pact with a fiend.”

Bucky only chuckled and said he would never give away the magician’s secret.

By the time they reached Calsten, the sun had begun to set. After landing the _D4C_ in the outskirts of town, Jaela guided them to the town entrance where two sleepy-looking guards stood stationed on either side of a large, open gate. They glanced at her, she gave a nod, and they went back to leaning against the wall behind them, eyes half-lidded and looking in dire need of a bed.

If this was an accurate representation of security in town, Toby thought, no wonder they were having issues with outside forces.

Jaela and Bucky had official accommodations in the center of town near the administrative center. Once they reached the main road, the two groups said their goodbyes. They made plans to meet Bucky in the morning before they went to check out their leads. Before they could leave, Daisy made another attempt for Toby’s bottom; he dodged out of the way just in time. Thorreg was gone before anyone could notice him slip away.

After making their departure, Rowan and Toby made their way down the streets of the city as they looked for the right address. Lanterns were being lit up and down the main road as children were called home for the night. The older crowd began accumulating along the streets, getting ready for a night out in the cultural hub of the west. A small park they passed began to fill up with couples holding hands and walking together. Toby and Rowan’s mouths watered at the smell of food being sold by merchants on every corner; they barely managed to pull themselves away from the heavy scent of a naan and curry stall.

“Ugh, I’m so hungry!” Rowan groaned. “We should’ve eaten before we did this.”

“I don’t think it would matter how much of Winston’s famous stew we had before walking down these streets,” Toby said, staring longingly at a ramen stall they passed. “It all smells so good. His cooking could never compare.”

“Don’t tell him that,” Rowan said.

On Butternut Avenue, they found the address they were looking for three blocks down from a delicious-smelling kebab stall. They expected to find a residential building, or maybe an office. What they stood in front of looked like an abandoned commercial property.

From the front, it looked like a typical general store; a glass paned door and a large window to display items. The door had a large red “x” painted on the front of it and the window was covered from the inside with a sheet of white material that Toby didn’t recognize. The dark and narrow alley between this building and the one beside it didn’t help to make it look any less sinister.

Despite the obvious warning signs, Rowan tried the door. To neither of their surprises, it didn’t budge.

“Well.” Rowan clapped her hands together in front of her face. “Toby, I’m beginning to wonder if we weren’t pranked.”

“That’s nonsense,” Toby said. He wiped his sleeve against the window in a circle, big enough to clear a space for his face, but even pressing his nose against the glass didn’t allow him to see past the opaque window lining. Desperate to find proof that this wasn’t a joke, his mind raced, searching for a spell he could use to see through walls. Could _true seeing_ work? If the window or the lining was part of an illusion, certainly.

Rowan seemed to have the same idea. “Isn’t there something you can do here, like a spell of x-ray vision? Shouldn’t a wizard have one of those?”

“I’m thinking!” Toby wrung his hands together. “Um, I could grant myself truesight but...if it’s just a wall and a window, that’s all I would see. I could make a small passage through the wall that we could see through, but what if there’s someone on the other side? What if Totino is in there and we make a hole in his wall and he gets miffed! Oh, I know! I’ll melt the door with _acid arrow_ \-- wait, if a hole in his wall would make him miffed, I can’t imagine he’d like his door to be melted -- ”

Rowan grabbed onto his shoulders. “Okay, chillax. It’s dark, and we’re clearly going crazy from how good all this street food smells. Maybe we should go home for the night, eat some stew, and try again in the morning.”

Toby began to reply, but something caught his eye past Rowan. Behind her, a figure had appeared from the alleyway. Through the darkness, he could see it was a dwarf with his arms crossed, looking at them impatiently.

He tugged on Rowan’s sleeve. “Um, there’s someone behind you.”

Rowan turned around and the dwarf moved closer. At first glance, Toby had assumed it was Thorreg; now that he had a better view, he could see this wasn’t the grumpy dwarf they had met earlier.

“What are you doing here?” He asked. “Doesn’t this place look a little too dangerous to just be loitering around?”

When he chastised them, Toby immediately felt shame, despite the fact that he hadn’t actually done anything wrong. The dwarf was an older man who wore the expression of someone who was used to admonishing ne’er-do-wells. Despite that, he didn’t look all bad; the smile lines on his face gave away the fact that he wasn’t as stern as he wanted to believe. Toby was in admiration of the intricate braids on his head and throughout his beard; even if this guy turned out to be a grump, he was a grump whose braiding skills could compete with Rowan’s.

“We’re looking for someone,” Rowan answered. “Is that alright with you, grandpa?”

“Oh, wow, uh, excuse us,” Toby nudged Rowan in the hip and walked past her. “I’m sorry, we’re not trying to _loiter_. We are looking for someone, maybe you know them? They gave us this address so...you can see why we’re a bit confused.”

The dwarf stared at them. “You’re looking _here?_ ” Toby nodded. “Are you from out of town or something?”

“Duh!” Rowan said.

For a moment, it seemed as though he was thinking to himself. Realization seemed to come to him. His face softened and he pointed to the door. “Do you see that big red mark? The only thing behind those marks is disease and death. Remember that.” The dwarf turned and began walking up the street.

“Jeez,” Rowan scoffed. “ _‘The only thing behind those marks is disease and death!’_ How dramatic.”

“Definitely. But c’mon!” He said, tugging on her sleeve. “We should talk to him! Maybe he knows...Tortilla, or whoever!”

The dwarf had only made it a block up the street. Rowan sprinted forward and passed him. She jumped in front of him, cutting him off.

“Excuse me,” he said as he tried to step around her.

“Please, wait!” Toby cried out as he raced to catch up to them. “Wait! We would like to talk to you, please, if you don’t mind!”

Toby had reached them now. He bent forward, panting hard, trying to catch his breath. Rowan gave him a few light pats on the back before she turned back to the dwarf.

“Maybe you know the guy we’re looking for,” she said. “His name is...uh...well, I’m Rowan and this is Toby. The dude we’re looking for hired us to take care of some business in town, and we know it’s late, but we thought we’d check and see if he’s still up -- “

“Rowan and Toby?” The dwarf’s eyes lit up. “Are you looking for Master Torgo?”

“That’s _IT!_ ” As she yelled, Rowan slapped Toby in the back so hard he almost fell to the ground. She grabbed onto his shoulder to steady him and mumbled an apology. “That’s it, though,” she continued. “That’s his name. It’s Torgo.”

“Yeah,” Toby coughed, “Torgo. Got it.”

“You’re pretty late, aren’t you?” The dwarf asked. “Master was expecting you when it was still light out.”

Toby, after finally catching his breath, said, “Yes, well. We expected to get in town earlier, but something came up. Something we would like to discuss with your master.”

“That’s fine.” The dwarf looked over his shoulder, then past Rowan and Toby, all with an anxious expression on his face. “Look, I don’t mind speaking with you, but I’m famished and I have limited time before I must return to work. Do you mind if we walk and talk?”

He didn’t wait for an answer before walking past them. Before Toby could ask, Rowan knelt down in front of him and he climbed on top of her shoulders; then the two followed after the dwarf.

“Do you work with Master Torgo?” Toby asked. “What type of work do you do?”

“We help out the sick in town,” he answered. “I’m an alchemist, so it’s not exactly my specialty, but I do what I can.”

“The sick?” Rowan repeated. She turned her head and exchanged a look with Toby. If Torgo was working to help those affected by the disease brought to town by Bahamut’s army, then no wonder he called in reinforcements.

“Like, what kind of sick?”

The dwarf slowed down. “It’s best not described, really. It’s quite...horrific.”

“Horrific?” Toby said. He and Rowan slowed down to match the dwarf’s pace. “Is this...is it the same disease as the one the Army of Bahamut brought to town?”

The dwarf stopped. “So you know about the epidemic?” He let out a deep breath before walking again. “I’m surprised the master told you that much.”

Rowan and Toby exchanged another look before catching up to him. If he thought it was information the client had shared with them, well, it wasn’t exactly a lie not to correct him, right?

“Is that what you’re treating people for? The epidemic?” Toby asked.

“I’m certainly not treating them for runny noses, am I?”

They had travelled three blocks and stopped in front of the kebab stall. With a great sigh of relief, the dwarf walked up to the vendor and placed his order. As he was handed a kebab, Rowan and Toby watched, their mouths overflowing with drool. Before he could turn back to face them, they snapped their mouths shut and wiped the slobber off of their chins.

The dwarf inclined his head back towards the way they came as he took a bite of his kebab. “That building down there, it’s a makeshift clinic. The shopkeeper who used to own the store was one of the first victims in town. People are so scared of this thing, they condemned the building without a second thought. So Master decided to make use of it.”

“Practical,” Rowan said. “If everyone else is too scared to go in there, make use of it for yourself.”

“Mmhmm,” Toby agreed. “You said you were surprised Master Torgo told us about the disease. Why did you think he wouldn’t share that with us? Don’t you think that information is pertinent to our job?”

“That’s a fair point,” the dwarf replied, shrugging. “I was worried knowing that the town was being overrun by an incurable disease might deter you from accepting the job.”

Incurable? That was a word they hadn’t heard attached to any description of this disease yet. Maybe the dwarf was right. They were mortal creatures, prone to most ailments, and this disease was beginning to sound like the be-all and end-all of diseases. Maybe they should be more scared.

The thoughts of Toby and Rowan must have been clear on their faces, judging by the way the dwarf reacted.

“Oh, have I frightened you? I apologize. I’ve studied this disease for a long time now; as long as you’re cautious, you should be safe from the gremp.”

“The gremp?” Rowan scrunched her nose. “Okay, I was genuinely worried a second ago, but then you called it _the gremp_ and I realized, I would never die from something with such a stupid, gross name.”

“I suppose that’s as good an attitude to have as any,” the dwarf said, taking another bite. “it’s certainly not a pretty name, but it’s not a pretty disease either.”

“It’s really incurable?” Toby asked, unsure if it was scientific curiosity or mortal fear fueling the question.

The dwarf lowered his kebab. “I’ve been researching this for a long, long time, but...so far...”

_So, yes. There is no cure._

“What happens, then?” Rowan asked. “Like, after you get sick? Do you just...die?”

The dwarf frowned. “I’d rather not discuss it in detail right now.” he said, holding up his kebab. “I hope you understand. I will tell you this -- the first symptom is that your blood turns green. The rest is...unpleasant, but also rather individualistic. So you see, even if I were to discuss it, it would be a rather difficult thing to do.”

 

As he finished his kebab, he turned around to place another order. “I am glad you’re here, and I hope I haven’t frightened you too badly,” he said as he turned to face them. ”Master Torgo was wise to listen to my advice and call on you.”

“Us?” Toby asked. He and Rowan exchanged a look. “You told him to call us? You...know who we are?”

“Of course! Who doesn’t know of Toby Treacletart and Rowan Grey!” The dwarf spoke with a big, warm smile. “Not only did you rescue Glaine from the city in the sky, but you defeated a lich! You’re the saviors of Drunkeros.”

Rowan grabbed onto his hand. “You’re right,” she said, her eyes tearing up, “we are the saviors of Drunkeros. Thank you so much.”

The dwarf was still smiling, but slight concern wandered into his expression. “Yes, well, it was lovely meeting you both but I must return to work now.”

“Wait!” Toby asked. “Is Master Torgo there? Could you introduce us to him?”

“Ah, well,” the dwarf said. “I’m afraid he’s preoccupied for the night, with a patient. It’s a delicate procedure so there are absolutely no interruptions allowed.”

Toby frowned as the dwarf turned back to the vendor to receive two more kebabs. He was eager to get on with their mission, especially after everything he’d just learned.

The dwarf turned back to them. “I will ask him to meet with you tomorrow morning. Does that work for you? There’s a park on the edge of town, you should have passed it on your way in, unless you came through the sewers or some other devious point of entry.”

“We saw it,” Rowan replied. “Because we’re upstanding citizens. Of course we saw it.”

“Very good,” he said. “The master likes to spend time there in the morning and people watch, eat his breakfast, or just sit. He’ll be there waiting for you.” He held out the two kebabs to Rowan and Toby. “I believe I overheard you two talking about going mad from starvation, is that right?”

Toby and Rowan’s eyes glittered. Their tongues dropped out of their mouths and hung there as they reached toward the kebabs --

“But first,” the dwarf said as he quickly retracted his arms. “Do you remember what I told you about the red marks?”

“Um, hold on,” Toby said. He leaned in close to Rowan’s ear and whispered, then she whispered something back. “Oh, right. ‘ _The only thing behind those marks is disease and death!’_ Right?”

“Correct,” the dwarf answered. “Please, promise me that you’ll stay away from any such marks while you’re in town.”

“Yes!” They shouted in unison. 

The dwarf sighed with relief. “Thank you,” he said as he held the two kebabs out to the pair. They took them, eagerly, and he began to walk off. “Farewell,” he said as he walked back down the street.

“Goodbye! And thanks!” Rowan said with a mouth full of meat. “This is so good, wow.”

“You can say that again,” Toby said. A piece of meat fell from his kebab and towards Rowan’s shoulder; his hands had never moved so quick as they did to grab it before it landed.

“That guy was so nice,” Rowan said. “And smart. Did you hear what he called us? _Saviors of Drunkeros?_ You know, even though I wasn’t there in Glaine, I like to think that my spirit was with you guys all along.”

Toby nodded. “Yeah, I definitely felt your presence. My whole life, probably, you were there, guiding me.”

“You’re welcome,” she said as she took a huge bite of her kebab. “Hey, Toby?”

“Hmm?”

”We had our fingers crossed when we said we would leave those red marks alone, right?”

“Of _course._ You think we would just leave something that spooky alone?”

“Nice,” she said while taking another bite. “I almost feel bad for lying, but like, I _really_ wanted this kebab. That guy was cool as hell. They should make him the leader of this place. What was his name again?”

“Oh, his name was -- “ Toby slapped his palm into his forehead. “We didn’t learn his name, did we.”

“Hey, we agreed back in Pelor’s Hope that _you_ would be the one to write these things down.”

Toby groaned. “We need to get better at learning peoples’ names.”

“Definitely, for sure. Um, sorry, what was your name again?”

Toby swatted her on the shoulder, they finished their kebabs, and they headed back to the airship.

That night, Winston was only slightly disappointed that they weren’t as eager for his stew as usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant remember if never asking for the npc's name is a greetings adventurers joke or a taz joke, but now it's a My Joke


End file.
